A Long Transformation

I know the losses that affected my life for nearly fifty years. A suicide that also claimed my faith. I put those memories aside. I dealt with them years ago, or so I thought. But they impacted so much of my life that I didn’t see. Unresolved issues created a festering infection in my soul that hurt relationships and claimed my marriage. And in the new losses, I started to learn.

In my own mistakes, I find forgiveness for those who judged my friend. In losing my child faith, and coming to terms with my own shortcomings, the remnants of faith have been forged and tempered into something stronger and more resilient.

Compassion for myself, replaces the guilt I felt for not being able to save my friend. The healing began slowly, while still dealing with the divorce and then a breakdown and disability.  And now, mostly isolated through the pandemic, praying, writing my insights on the daily scripture reading and taking online mindful writing classes, I finally feel more at peace.

I hope that my story helps others who are struggling to think about their own story in different ways.

I decided, too, that I want to write a book for my daughters. I want them to have insight into what they have seen. Because, undoubtedly, they too need some healing from what they saw and lived with at home. And I want them to know with certainty that they were and are loved.

So after months of considering how to tell the story with compassion for all, this is my plan:

First, I will tell the stories of times when there was love, whether that was in my birth family or in our family later. They won’t be stories of perfect people. Rather, they will be stories of imperfect people doing the best they knew how to do at the time.

Second, I won’t share a story, until I feel compassion and forgiveness toward those in the story. Until I feel the transformation from pain or anger in my heart has moved to genuine compassion and forgiveness in my heart–for others and for myself.

Why do I think I have something of value to say? Simply stated: I was a mess and this process helped me. And yes, several others helped me along the way. There’s both a place for experts and a place for stories, or examples.