Two Objects

Two objects. Both on my nightstand, easy to reach. The same, but different. 

One well-worn and broken, one new, both from my parents’ things.

The older rosary arrived with things from their home after Dad died. Most things were chosen for me, since I lived far away. 

The second rosary came from the few things of my mother’s that remained when she died.

I am uncertain of the origin of the first rosary that came in the box. It is a very typical older man’s rosary, wooden beads, painted black. The black now mostly worn away. My father’s? I think that was buried with him. Perhaps he’d retired this one, or perhaps it belonged to the maternal grandfather I never knew. Using that well-worn rosary somehow it seemed my pleas might reach God’s ears faster–through someone with a greater claim to God’s ear.

I know the origins of the other rosary, the one that sits beside it. That rosary came from the Vatican, purchased for my mother by my ex-husband, when he was teaching in Rome. I had suggested that he get her one, and that it be a bit larger because her hands were stiff with arthritis. I thought it would be easier to handle than the one I last saw her using. It did not occur to me that he had never noticed that rosary, or just how small it was. I thanked him for getting it, he had honored my request, but he didn’t see what I envisioned. My fault.

As she was dying, I sat beside her helping her hold her rosary beads, praying aloud for her, not the rosary now on my nightstand, but one my brother had given her.  Several times she lifted it to her cheek and then to mine, until her hands stopped moving. That rosary remained with her and it went with her.

Two rosaries left with me. One broken, a decade of beads silently dropped, without me hearing or noticing when I put the rosary away. Pieces lost that I have not found.

Two rosaries left with me. One new. Tags removed recently, brought from Rome nine years ago, sent from my mother’s at least six years ago. I use it now. Will it ever feel comfortable? Or, is using it penance for all the failed communication?