Armor of God

I put on the armor of God yesterday.  I have been full of anxiety. I have been prideful, I have been righteously indignant–tipping the scales into anger–about the country’s lack of concern for social justice. So, I sought confession to hold myself accountable. 

Catholic confession includes an act of contrition and a very strong resolution not to repeat one’s sins. This time, I knew that I needed confession to help me put on the armor of God.

I don’t much like myself when my anxiety controls me. I needed to confess that it had been gripping me pretty hard. That I had been thoughtless toward others. 

I am going through a difficult time because my youngest daughter is getting married in two weeks. Her father and his new wife will be there. He met his new wife after the divorce began. Nevertheless, I feel replaced, as though he had a checklist of my flaws and went out and picked who I never could be. That’s my anxiety talking and not what I want to react to over the next few weeks.

I have typically gone to confession and confessed past sins. This time, my anxious state was making me fear what might happen. I sought confession to help me avoid the near occasion of sin. As I said, anxiety was already gripping me hard–pushing me in a direction that needed intervention. 

I wanted to resolve to God before my confessor not to allow anxiety to trigger sin/anger/careless words over the next few weeks. I didn’t quite know how to word that. It seems clearer as I write this. I wanted to resolve to be stronger than my anxiety through a difficult time.

Saying it in the confessional, receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation is a deep commitment. A commitment that will stay in my mind. And with it fresh in my mind, I feel I have put on the armor of God for the particular battle of the next few weeks.

Today was the first challenge: speaking to my ex about how we will/won’t interact throughout the wedding weekend. It went quite well. My resolve is strong. He, too, wants the day to be about the marriage of our daughter and her fiance, not about us.

The armor of God stood firm within me. I am learning that confession is much deeper than accounting for the past. It’s also about more than not repeating the past. It’s about recognizing my own weaknesses before I sin so that I truly can avoid the near occasions of sin.

I hadn’t found that maturity in my faith before I left the Church years ago. My life suffered from that lack of maturity. I know struggles are part of the human condition, but today I feel grace.